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How Do We Remove Abandonment Issues?

SJ
in Relationships
I'm attracted to a guy who won't text me unless I message him first and he won't call me either. We haven't met in person and haven't spoken on the phone but we've messaged a bunch and sent some funny videos back and forth but he's coming to my city in December so part of me wants to keep messaging with him at least until then to see if things will change and another part of me is like what the heck are you doing? 
I've gotten advice from a healer to create space for someone new but that I don't need to necessarily cut things off with the current guy. I don't know how to do this when I feel so energetically tied to this guy. I can't tell if there's some abandonment issue or something around attracting someone who is lower vibration than me in order for me to feel more secure//special and maybe that's the reason why he's in my life in the way that he is. I feel like I either need to completely stop talking to him to remove him from my life or keep talking and somehow create space for him to show up in a more secure way or have a new guy show up. 


Comments

  • Jessica Connor, Ph.D.Jessica Connor, Ph.D.
    edited October 2020
    Hi there,

    These are great questions! 

    Because you mentioned that part of you wants to see if things will change, but another part of you is questioning your actions, it is my opinion that you're not fully aligned with a positive outcome regarding this specific situation. I believe what you're "energetically tied to" is the thought that aligns with the creation of a wonderful experience regarding this. And I would suggest nurturing that energy within you and growing it as substantially as you're able to.

    You stated that you haven't met or spoken to this person, so it is the idea that is intriguing you - the thought. That idea (thought) sparks an energy within you that you are attracted to. You want to experience more of that energy. So, if the idea/thought can create that energy within you, focus more on those types of thoughts and those types of energetic feelings. Grow it. Expand it. Nurture it. And allow THAT to be what interests you most. Because in doing so, you are creating what you desire within yourself first. And once that happens, outer experiences will adjust accordingly to deliver that to you. It might be him. It might not be him. But it will be someone/something that matches that wonderful feeling that you already innately know is something that you would like to experience more of (and that you already know how to create within you).

    To create love, we must feel love within ourselves first. And from what I'm reading, you already know how to create that wonderful experience within yourself. 

    I hope that helps! 

    -Jessica 
  • SJ
    Amazing. Thank you so much Jessica!
  • Jessica Connor, Ph.D.Jessica Connor, Ph.D.
    You're most welcome! Keep us posted on your progress. :)

  • SJ
    Curious - when you say "That idea (thought) sparks an energy within you that you are attracted to. You want to experience more of that energy. So, if the idea/thought can create that energy within you, focus more on those types of thoughts and those types of energetic feelings. Grow it. Expand it. Nurture it." - my issue with this is that I keep automatically tying it to him so my worry is that I will become more and more unnecessarily attached without even having met him and then if it doesn't work out that i'm setting myself up for disappointment because I've further gotten him so into my brain. How do I nurture this feeling without tying it to him or does it not matter?
  • Jessica Connor, Ph.D.Jessica Connor, Ph.D.
    That's another really great question! And I completely understand the "setting myself up for disappointment" part of that.

    You've associated this energetic feeling with this person. But the fact of the matter is that you created that within. This is especially apparent because you haven't met or spoken to this person. It all came from within you. You may have your phone to tell you that there is some outside source that created that feeling, but that is illusory. It is YOU (and the powerful, creative force within you) that created it. 

    However, to more thoroughly address your question, you can nurture that feeling when you realize that you've created it within you. Ask yourself questions such as, "What makes this feeling so enjoyable?" "Where do I feel it in my body?" "What other things can I think of that create more of this feeling?" "How can I associate this feeling with other things in my life?" "What would it feel like if I just focused solely on this feeling and nothing else?" "How grateful am I to feel this feeling?" "How powerful am I that I can create a feeling within me with just a thought?" "What other positive feelings can I create within me just through thinking?"

    This will help you associate more deeply with the feeling you are creating, rather than what you believe is creating it. Really tune into that feeling. You can even ask the "feeling" what it is telling you about yourself. In other words....Do you have sufficient love within you already? Do you have sufficient excitement within you already?  Can you create these feelings with just a thought and then hold onto that feeling as something separate from the thought?  

    These things take a little practice. And even though you may have some current beliefs that you can only feel these things because of an external source, you are teaching your brain and body that it is, in fact, you who creates them. And the more you do that, the more it will not matter who says or does or acts a certain way because you can control your thoughts and emotions at will - something we are rarely taught to do, but that you are learning!

    :)

    -Jessica  
  • SJ
    Thank you so much! I love this answer and I've actually realized that the anxiety that I've been waking up with around this person/the obsessiveness of wanting him to message me/the abandonment feelings weren't actually mine but rather ancestral trauma that was trapped in my body. I am still releasing it but it is getting a bit less but I do find the victim mentality is quite strong in the mornings when I first wake up. i think I can shift this if I keep healing this ancestral trauma and get it out of my body. 

    In terms of MY feelings, I know I do feel a "lack" in my life when it comes to variety/adventure and physical tough. I do genuinely love connecting with a partner and laughing and doing all the little daily things with someone you love. I can cultivate this feeling within myself and I have for the most part but it feels imbalanced still. Like you can tell someone to keep imagining they are at the beach when they're in a cold room but it's still not the same as being at the beach. Would you say this person is experiencing lack because they desire to not be in a cold room? This is where I'm a bit confused. I desire a relationship, the right kind, I do feel secure and confident in who i am and have spent a lot of years being single and a lot of alone time and I am okay with that too, however I do crave the variety and newness and adventure and romantic love that comes with being in a relationship. Do I just keep vibrating as best I can in a place a of love and receiving? Then I need to have patience because this summer for most of the summer I was vibing really high for weeks in a place of unconditional love and yet nothing changed in my life. It's October and I still feel like I'm in the same spot with just more and more healing more that i've done//to be done mostly around feelings that aren't even mine. 
  • Shelia Thurman, LCSWShelia Thurman, LCSW
    Hi SJ, you are right. It takes time. The reason it takes time is because of momentum. For years we practice a way of being that creates a lot of momentum. Imagine a highway that you've been traveling nonstop on in one direction for most of your life. Because of momentum, you are traveling it at a very high speed. Now imagine the amount of energy it takes not only to stop traveling it, but to completely turn around and travel in the opposite direction. I don't care much for the word "patience" but I love the word "present." In the Present moment, the shift can happen effortlessly. It is important that we stay present on the journey right NOW. You create the receiving mode only in the Now. Keep looking for things to love and you will become a lover. When you become one who loves, others that love can't help but to show up in your life. You are doing marvelous work. Now it is about fine tuning in the present moment. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are very special.♥️
  • SJ
    Thank you Shelia!

    I have a follow-up question with manifesting then in terms of people who say things like "never in a million years did i think this could happen to me" when it comes to something great they've experienced. How can someone manifest something they actively didn't imagine was possible? Like winning an award or the person of their dreams showing up etc. 
  • Shelia Thurman, LCSWShelia Thurman, LCSW
    A couple of things come to mind with that question. First, words are just words. They have power but not the power of vibrational frequencies (emotions). We can never know what another has truly asked for vibrationally. We can also never know the amount, or lack of, resistance that they have in regards to their asking. We are eternal beings. Asking and Receiving aren't necessarily an overnight matter. It doesn't matter how things appear to our human eyes, we must constantly say to ourselves, "It's Attractive, It's Attractive, It's Attractive, It's Attractive, It's Attractive..." It is all attractive regardless of how it appears. That's a fact.

    Secondly, it is useless to focus on the "why" in another's life. True understanding comes only after we connect the dots in our own lives. Only when we begin to see the "why" in our own life, does manifesting become deliberate. Focus on your own vibrational offering. Good or bad, own that you attracted it, consciously or unconsciously you create your own reality.

    When you focus on what others have that you want, you are vibrating lack. Don't put your focus there! It only creates more lack. Look for things to appreciate and love. That is the path of true deliberate creating. That is the mode from which we receive our desires. ♥️
  • SJ
    Yes this is very true and a big hurdle for me. I have been programmed to compare to others for a long time and it's driving me nuts! I even manifested a dear friend who's life I compare mine to all the time for over a decade now and I really hate it but it's so crazy the level of detail that she has in her life of the things that I would write down as my ideal. I feel like I keep watching her life progress with all of these wonderful happy moments and am around to celebrate her wins and meanwhile go back to my life which feels stuck. I know it's destructive thinking but it's very difficult not to do when I have such a desire for a husband and a family of my own and good work and she's had this for years now as well as my other friends and I'm the only single one. I have moments when Im vibing high and I am able to let go of this comparing but a lot of times it takes over and I get triggered. Like now haha. I am fully aware that I am doing it and that it is unhealthy but it's like my mind is washing machine and won't let me stop ruminating on the comparing. I keep telling myself to trust and have faith that my time is coming but it triggers me and I get frustrated that for years on end I've felt stuck for no rhyme or reason and have watched as my friends' lives have blossomed with their weddings and children and careers etc. 
  • SJ
    I feel like for the most part I am either in a state of suffering (thankfully due to all the spiritual work this year has been the least and I am getting better and better) in a state of healing or in a state of feeling stuck. 
  • Shelia Thurman, LCSWShelia Thurman, LCSW
    I understand, I really do. You have overcome the biggest challenge. You have awareness. Awareness is HUGE! Most people never get that far. With this awareness comes the challenge of practice. Practice, practice, practice. "Vibing high" is wonderful but sometimes it is too far away. You can't get there from "stuck." Start gently. All yours desires already exist in their energic form. Reach for gratitude. True gratitude, not just words. Make me a list of things you are truly grateful for and feel your vibration shift. You are doing extremely well. Be easy with yourself. You are okay. You are doing solid work. Practice and trust the process. Your desires want you. Focus not on lack. Noticing lack in your life keeps lack in your life. You are much loved ♥️
  • SJ
    Thank you Sheila :). I really appreciate your kind words! It's tough in these moments for sure and I agree vibing high can be too far away. That's actually exactly how it feels with me. I'm either vibing high or feel crappy (again my lowest low isn't really as bad as it used to be thanks to plant meds so i am very grateful for that) but I do find that when I'm in my low even gratitude doesn't help. It's only self-care. I practice gratitude all the time especially when I'm low but it doesn't shift the heaviness and anxiety in my stomach. It's like I need something more heavy duty. That combined with looking out into the reality of my life and knowing "her i have a lot to be grateful for" but then immediately comparing to others begins because to me they have SO much more to be grateful for and don't have to do all this healing work to manifest and things worked out to perfectly in their timelines. The millionaire husbands, tv career, two kids before the age of 37, and great health. Like really?? How am I supposed to connect the dots when none of that has happened for me and it's everything on my list that i'm seeing manifest around me. I feel like I've just lost time in a cycle of healing and stuck. UGH i know I sound like such a victim but the energy really feels like a puppy trapped in a cage. I have so much love to give and so much I want to do but for some reason it's just stuck for years and years. It helps to write this out and vent so I can attempt to release it and make lighter of it. Sometimes you just wan't to see a real win on the board. A real tangible exciting joyful moment in life that is yours and yours to celebrate. I've been there so many times as my friends have had these. The only thing I could tell myself to help in these moments is that i'm being prepped for something greater. It kinda eases it up that something better is out there for me which is why my soul chose a different timeline than what I would have liked. It just doesn't make sense.  
  • Shelia Thurman, LCSWShelia Thurman, LCSW
    When I say "connect the dots backwards" I mean in your own life. We can never connect them in other's life. It's extremely powerful when we begin to see how we created the reality we are currently experiencing. Such a revelation motivates us to monitor our thoughts and feelings on a whole new level. It convinces us that every thought we think and every emotion we feel is of the utmost importance. We must get that on a visceral level. It's not enough just to think we know. We need to feel the truth. Every thought, word, feeling is the creative force that manifest reality.

    I want you to do this:

    1. Meditate EVERY morning 15 minutes. In total stillness of the body focus on your breath.
    2. All day, everyday say something like this to yourself, "I'm doing okay. I got this. Things are working out for me." Soft and gentle until it's automatically the first thought you have when your old programming shows up.
    3. Walk around in your life saying, "I love you tree, I love you rock, I love you coffee, I love you office, I love you toilet that flushes, I love you sandwich, I love you bed, I love...."

    Now, the voice in your head right now that's saying something like "yeah but, or I've already tried that, or it doesn't work, or, or, or, is your enemy. That voice is the pain body. Simply notice it, let it pass. Do not talk to it! It wants to feed on you.

    Begin today venting only the good. It's the pain body that tells you venting the unwanted is helpful. Venting the unwanted only creates more unwanted. Think about that. It is the truth I promise.

    Do this for 2 or 3 weeks like your life depends on it (which it does). Then tell me of the wonderful shift that has happened in your THINKING. Thinking creates emotions which together attract all things that match the vibration you are broadcasting. It's all attraction!

    You are much loved and appreciated. ♥️

  • SJ
    YAY! Love this thank you! I will do this. I love simple clear instructions like this. I will do this :)
  • SJ
    One good news update is my attraction to that guy has lessened a lot! This is good as I step more and more into trusting that the right person will come along who is more aligned with who I am and not an old story. 
  • Shelia Thurman, LCSWShelia Thurman, LCSW
    Excellent! Stay the course. Continue your daily practice. You will be amazed! ♥️
  • Andrea-faye Short
    Im glad I checked this thread out. I have similar processes that I believe I should use these tips for too. Thanks op. 
  • Shelia Thurman, LCSWShelia Thurman, LCSW
    I'm glad you found a helpful thread also. As you continue your practice, keep us posted. We enjoy celebrating your progress!

    Shelia ♥️
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